Evans Akpo

By Evans Akpo

As I sat with Pastor Steve Curran and Manuel in Southside Bible Study, I could see the passion in the pastor’s  eyes and voice as he emphasize how Jesus longs for his followers to catch his passion for serving one another.  He stressed, “meeting the needs of others and putting people first was Jesus desire. And he exemplifies it by washing his disciples feet.”

Curran has a great affection and care for  people. As I listened to him, he reminds me of how Jesus went down to wash his disciples feet.

Jesus shows us how to live by attending to the unglamorous need of his disciples. As a follower of Jesus, John 15 expresses what should be the primary image of our relationship with Jesus – Others First.  God desires to have an intimate connected relationship with us. And that relationship would become reflective by how we treat others. 

John 13 expresses his sacrificial and unconditional love for us “having loved his own that were in the world, he now showed them the full extend of his love. John 13:1. Abiding with Christ is like developing a better more relationship that puts others first.

Inspirational Nugget = Living a transformational life that has an intimacy with Jesus is revealed  in how we put others first.

Men sometime say they want ‘godly women,’ yet they also want women with ‘worldly’ standards. The argument have persisted as to the reason men do not want commitment especially when a woman provide them with everything they need without marriage.

Why should a man feel the need to commit or get married when they have everything a woman gives?

Why should a christian man commit after they have gladly been given sex with no strings attached, and the luxury of putting off marriage.

As we know, God standard has never changed because of the prevalence of some issues. Sex outside the confines of marriage is fornication and it is a sin  (11 Cor. 6:18).

The unanswered question isn’t so much about what is sin, or not as it is about getting things right in line with God’s standards, as well as applying carefully research standards that helps women understand a more likely candidate for a commitment.  No we cannot belittle and dismiss sin, but what we are seeking is how to please God.

Some ways to get a man to commit is:

• Talk about the Subject.
  

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A woman that wants a commitment should be happy to talk about the subject without coming across as not interested. Asking sometimes helps us get the answers we want in some questions. Not asking, simply defeats the hope of ever getting any answer.  Talk about the subject of marriage, sex and commitment in an intelligent manner if that is what you want. Men most times will never commit if you’re slow and passive. I’m not in anyway suggesting an aggressive-too-forward approach. No, because the result is worse.

Some women have premarital sex and then wonder why their partners has no momentum towards marriage. According to Candance Watters article on “finding a Husband” she stresses how women can be the mysterious one, because the woman who retains her sexual allure by keeping her purity intact is key to getting a man ‘unmet sexual longing is a powerful motivator for men and women alike,’ argues Watters. Our grandparents seem to understand it better than we do.

It should be obvious that men that have their sexual needs met casually have fewer reason to sign up for all the responsibility, or commitment of marriage. The questions arises as to whether using sex as a tool to get a commitment often work. The answer is clear. It doesn’t. however, it saves women the headache and heartbreak associated with the emotional chaos, especially the soul tie issues.  Women can win always by keeping their cards close to their chest.

Inspirational Nugget = Talk about the subject, don’t be passive. Healthy conversations are most likely to open doors.

There have been a cultural change from the once traditional as  the sudden trend of more eligible career based women pursuing  fewer eligible men increases. Most women are left with the question of knowing which of the men are worth their time for a commitment, and as such should be listened to because they are tired of  being in the “just friend game” – they want commitment.

While I try producing some answers, I must be honest to state that my list is not exhaustive because several cultural, political and sociological effect could be at play as to the reason many men are unwilling to commit.

There are few pointer that usually suggest if a man will marry you.

• Shallow Discussion

A man that engages only in a shallow discussion with you is less likely to commit to a relationship with you let alone marriage. Shallow discussion involves only your looks. We all know that looks matters, but the truth is; its fades with time (Prov. 31:30). Women have complained so much about men being shallow, while they seek men to commit, yet they find themselves still staying with the men in the friend zone.

• Theory and Practice

As I was having a conversation with the chair of my department, I was quick to ask the question as to why most professors, I believe, know better in terms of knowledge are usually divorced. He quickly shared the story of theory and experience. “There are things you know in theory, but cannot be put in practice in the real world, ” he said.

A.J Kiesling in Where Have All the Good Men Gone? discusses how many christian men have contributed to the current marriage crisis by not taking responsibility to grow up and be serious about choosing to date suitable Christian women and choosing to the commitments they’re so scared of making.  As Kiesling makes a case that points to the misinformation men have had about women, some men believe they do not want to be women by women. What that entails is that, most men would love to be active and aggressive with their pursuit for a godly woman if women could just be women. While too many men are not even dating at all, they seem to be afraid to risk.

Inspirational Nugget = We would make a difference if we spend as much the same time on our outward beauty as we do our character.

If you’re looking for a commitment that would lead to marriage with a man, it makes sense to stay clear from the “buddy temple.” By the buddy temple, I’m referring to the syndrome that has permeated most ladies in wanting to be friends with confirmed bachelors and players. The buddy syndrome is evidently, and especially prevalent among Christian singles. And most times, the women reap the repercussion of their undefined association.

Candance Watters, wrote about some few bad habits that sabotage a relationship. She pointed out some of the few and subtle games that is now a habit among women. Among those habit, wanting to be friends without commitment is what most women ask even when they want a commitment. Yes, some women miss the point.  Some date without daring to require the man to state his intentions.

One woman wrote;  “Men, please don’t be afraid to ask us out on a date, One date doesn’t mean its a serious relationship (Kiesling, 2008)” One serious mistakes women keep making even when they know these men are not ready for commitment is to keep spending their free time with the same group, even after they’ve determined that no one in the group is a potential marriage partner.  As blunt as these statement may sound, it is not far from what contributes to some of the issue at stake.

To get a commitment instead of endless waiting, it would take initiative on your part to encourage those within your circle to invite single christian friends and co-workers they know from other avenues – ask and it shall be given (Matt.7:7).

Inspirational Nugget = Knowing and defining what you want helps foster a good commitment in a relationship.

According to studies conducted by John Molly research group, the most prevalent complain most christian ladies  have is that many christian single men put off marriages for so long as possible. And when it comes to marriage they shop in the much younger market pool of available christian girls. While their arguments may seem very valid. There are obviously way women could prevent themselves from such headache.  It is not necessarily because these ladies are not good, neither is it because of some terrible mistakes they are making.

Rachel Greenwald, in Find a Husband After 35, explain the market expansion for the women. Especially because most women when asked the type of men they are looking for, usually rattle off a list of many criteria, which is not bad in itself. The issue is not so much about the demand we have, but whether those demands match the supply.  And because they are imagined demand, we have seen women repeatedly dating the same men with negative internal traits, meanwhile their future husband could just be standing five to six feet away.

There is the possibility that most women have thrown away their Mr. right. Greenwald insist in his book, that the criteria set has thrown away most people. And instead she coaches people, “the next time someone asks you what kind of man you’re looking for, spread the word and simply answer “someone wonderful.” See what happens in your box. Always know that God makes all things beautiful in his time when we change our internal dialogue (Eccl. 3:11).

From a Christian perspective, we try to weed out good people, because they’re not valid for our case and we have to change our language by using the criteria the Bible set as a standard.

Inspirational Nugget = He makes all things beautiful in his time.

There are simple and significant tips to know if a man is ready for commitment.

In his book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not others, John Molly notes after his research that some men are more likely to commit to marriage at some point in their life than other area. Although he was initially criticize as being a male chauvinist. However, while reading his work, I  agree with Molly that men are more likely to commit to a marital relationship at some point and not at other. And as such women are encourage to check the men out at those point so as not to waste their time.

Molly research shows ninety percent of men who have graduated from college are ready for marriage between the ages of 26 and 33. “But the opportunity usually stays open for only four to six years before it starts to decline.

It is equally clear that men between the ages of 28 and 33 are in high commitment level and more likely to propose. However, most men with a high-school diploma start thinking about marriage as a real possibility between the ages of 23 and 24 years.

Again, the research found out that when men hit 38, the chances he will ever marry drops drastically. Chances that a man will marry for the first time diminish even more after 42 years and 43 years, because at that point they are confirmed bachelors.

Most importantly, the Bible states that Wisdom is profitable to direct (Ecclesiastes 10:10). It makes sense to combine current reality with faith and cast your net where there is a more likelihood to get hold of  a fish.

But never forget that God directs reality and will always lead you where his grace will cover you.

Inspirational Nugget = Wisdom is profitable to direct. 

By Evans Akpo

Robert Fritz in The Path of least resistance  shared a story with some key messages to its audience about the lion. According to him, there was once a lion who came across a monkey and thought it was a good time to affirm his position of prominence in the jungle. He roar, threatened and defeated the monkey. He did the same to the Zebra and was also seen as very significant. He was feared and celebrated. He often warns all the other animals with these words, “don’t forget, I’m the king of the jungle.”

A little later, the lion came upon an elephant. “Hey you elephant! who is the king of the jungle?! the lion roared and growled with his most ferocious roar and growl. Without saying a word, the elephant picked up the lion with his trunk and threw the lion against a tree. Then he walked over to the lion and stepped on his tail. Again, he picked the lion and slammed him against the ground. As the elephant walked away, the battered lion lifted his head and yelled. “Hey, don’t get mad just because you don’t know the answer?(Fritz, 1984)”

Some times, we have a lot of problem with reality and  confuses our unanswered question as an argument against God. Psalm 14:1 “the fool says in his heart, there is no God.”

C.S Lewis made the case of a great God giving us the power to put up an argument.  He stressed that we wouldn’t even have the power if it was not given. In a simple term, all that we have was given by God. Anytime we project our argument, we should know that a person with an experience with God is never at the mercy of a person with an argument against God.

Inspirational Nugget = Relationship with God answers, and wins all arguments against his existence.

Relationship with God cannot be separated from his WORD. Knowing God personally is the key to growing in him. I mean’t knowing God  in the context of having a personal relationship with him – not knowing ‘things’ about him.  When we have  a deep seated revelational knowledge of who God is: we’ll never doubt him.

The focus is on God and not on us. Society puts emphasis on self importance. And because all temptations, including the sin of pride is rooted in selfishness, it leads to depression.  God did not create us independently to run our lives.

Pride is the reason people are depressed because they keep thinking about themselves and their situations. And it is easy to point it out because the bible says; “Only by pride cometh contention” Prov. 13:10.

Self “can never” be satisfied. The only way to eliminated self is to depend on a higher power provided by God. God resist the proud, but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). He has no pleasure, or interest in conceited people, but he shows favor to those who are humble (Prov. 3:34).

Playing the compare game is one sign pride is gradually growing in our lives. It is when you start comparing yourself with others in such a manner that you inflate your accomplishment above what it really is, or should rather should be. Our goal is to make Jesus great and famous – not us.  God never called us to make a name for ourselves, instead he told Abraham, “I’ll make you great.”

Let’s be God focus and make Jesus know and tear down our pride.

Inspirational Nugget = “Self can never be satisfied.”

God created man to be  “God dependent.” Moses ways cost him 40 years in the wilderness because he was trying to do it in his own way instead of being God dependent. When we lay our lives down, God will give it back to us. God told Moses to give him what he couldn’t control because it is only God that can handle what Moses couldn’t handle (Ex.4:4).  Tearing down the walls of pride calls for a total submission to God’s will.

Only by pride cometh contention (Prov. 13:10). And many strife have grown from the soil of pride. God is not looking for us to tear down pride on our own, he wants us to submit to his will.

C.S Lewis puts it clearly; we might think God wanted simple obedience to a set of rules: whereas he wants people of a particular sort.  God isn’t telling us to get rid of pride alone, he wants us to lay our pride down before him in total humility.  The pride in this context is the inwardly directed emotions that carries two common meanings. It has a  negative connotation because pride refers to an inflated sense of one’s opinion or accomplishment.

Joyce Meyer puts it more clearly – pride takes credit for what God has done and steals his glory. It makes us independent of God, and without him we can’t bear good fruit apart from Christ.

Bishop Noel Jones calls pride the little foxes that spoils the vine because it often starts gradually. And because pride destroys unity, it makes sense to humble ourself. It is in turning to God that we are able to turn away from or conceited selfish attitude that exclude God and other people.

The fear of the lord is to hate evil; pride and arrogance.

Inspirational Nugget = Stay humble before God.

Self can never be satisfied. True humility is not having an opinion about yourself – good or bad. It is in loosing ourself and totality to God that we find who we  are. It is in loosing your life that you find out what life is all about. When it comes to tearing down pride, christians shouldn’t try to do things on their strength.  Like Moses, in Genesis, we are commanded to lean on him (Deut 33:27). It is in leaning on God that we can “tear down our pride.”

Proverbs 13:10 clearly states, “Only by pride cometh contention” Any ground the devil is gaining in our life is because of our failure to surrender it to God.  It is what is on your inside that gets you angry; not just what is being done to you.

•                   EGO “Edging GOD Out.“
  

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We came into this world as baby with self centeredness. Andrew Wommack shared an interesting perspective, when he calls it, “self centeredness the source of all grief.”  Most times, because of our self pride and ego, which Les Brown calls “EGO” – Edging God Out” we fail to apologize to our spouse, co-worker or kids.  Meanwhile God’s kind of love is  all about putting people first. But pride would consider its own interest, and only its own interest will it dwell upon.

The Bible talks so much about how God hates pride, because it brings contention and misery to man.  In contrast, God embraces humility. Think about areas you have displayed pride because you wanted to prove an idea.

•                 Pride – A Complete Anti- God State Of Mind
  

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 C.S Lewis, a British christian apologetic states; “For pride is a spiritual cancer; it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense.  C.S Lewis, calls pride the greatest sin, because according to him, it was through pride that the devil became the devil. Pride leads to every other vice. It is the complete anti-God state of mind (Lewis, 28).

The issue is not so much about learning about our pride more than learning about humility.

The cure for pride is total submission and gratefulness to God. Gratefulness kills pride which speaks o submission to God. And it reflect the fact that everything and anything you are and will ever be was given to you by God.

Let’s submit to God and  embrace  humility as we tear down the wall of pride.

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Inspirational Nugget = Pride is a great sin, it is the devils most effective and destructive tools, but it can be conquered by total submission to God and eternal gratefulness to his will.