Evans Akpo

Respect is vital to any cohesive relationship, and most importantly – romantic love relationships.  “Respecting love” as the title projects becomes the key to a happy relationship that creates peace.  When respect is maximized in a relationship, it has a perfect impact on ourself and the people around us. The successful display of respect in relationships helps build success in all areas of our lives.

As I progress in my  next writing, I will help refine, clarify and articulate a definition of respect as it relates to a relationship. Men need respect as much as women need love in any relationship. We all have emotional, physical, volitional, spiritual and relational side to our being. Beyond that, we have responsibilities in various realm to project respect. In addition to love, only a life rooted in respect for our mate in a relationship produces a lasting value.

Interestingly, scientific findings traceable to the work of Dr. John Gottman, professor of psychology, University of Washington, suggest that women absolutely need love and men absolutely need respect.  Dr. Gottman research team spent twenty years studying two thousand couples who has been married twenty to forty years to the same partner. These people came from diversed background and had widely differing occupation and lifestyle. One thing was similar with all of them as they  talked to each other, Gottman calls it “a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: Love and Respect.”

Men need respect more than anything else, in similar vein, a woman knows what real love looks like when viewed from the lenses of  God’s word. Women love being loved, in same way, a man adores being respected.

Love and respect is the key to a happy relationship. It is not enough to know love languages and promises of eternal bliss.  One must show respect.

Reading Love and Respect helped me understand those differences. The Crazy Cycle is an insightful description of the breakdown in communication about what happens in all too many marriages. And, the author does an absolutely outstanding job of explaining how a wife can do her part to end the Crazy Cycle. By this I mean the author’s discussion of what respect and submission look like in the contemporary cultural context, as well as the author’s explanations of the importance of a wife’s respect to her husband. I encourage every wife to read and apply the rules of what is written in the book “love and respect”.

As I thought about a picture to place in this post, my mind ran to when I first visited Pikes Peak Mountain in Colorado Springs. U.S. This path was the road to the highest mountain I’ve ever visited. The path reminds me of the road to a happy fulfilling relationship for both genders as advocated by the bible “love and respect.”

Women need love, and men need respect.  This is not to suggest both gender don’t need love and respect equally, but the importance is what my write up is advocating.

Many times, life throws us different blows, but one of the reviews from Emerson Eggerichs books resonates with me when an anonymous reviewer wrote below.

“What is important to men is not always the same as women. The author backs this up with surveys and statistics, not just opinion. After reading this book, I saw how extremely true and relevant this difference is. The author does a tremendous job explaining how most men and women tend to think, providing a firmer foundation for the furtherance of productive communication between the sexes. This book helped me change the way I see and communicate with all the men in my life, and has truly helped me to feel more effective in both communicating my needs to them, and understanding theirs. We are all equally people, but this book helps to show how society and genetics can influence our values and goals by sex.”

Love is not enough, but learning to decipher each others code is very important, most times it is not often done in a day, a month, or even a year.

“In the seductive embrace of life, dreams of you enthralls my mind, nothing is forever, but our love for ever” these are common romantic lines.  After a while, we notice changing trend to these love birds. The same people professing so much love can’t stand each other, or  live up to their romantic creed.

What is the issue?

While I cannot provide every answer, I must be blunt to say, there are issues that has sapped them of their affectionate strength, perhaps, it has been so bad to the extent that they have been left dried.

This July, my friend and I decided to read a book titled “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs.  Although, we’ve read many books this year, what stands out is how the author explained love and respect from a christian perspective. By making a connection with male and female interpretation, he made a case for what holds many healthy  relationships.  While his works has been heavily criticize, there are important nuggets that stands the test of time.

First Nuggets.

1. Always swallow your pride to say you’re sorry. Being too proud to apologize is never worth it – your relationship suffers for no good benefit.

When I finally came to an age, I realize some friendships might seem very beautiful, but the fact is: we don’t settle for things, or people, just because they are beautiful. We might struggle with the decision to settle for people or jobs because they are available. But I would always caution: don’t settle. Don’t settle for a life of mediocrity.

The decision to settle for mediocrity. – It’s not always about trying to fix something that’s broken. Sometimes it’s about starting over and creating something better. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly. Sometimes growing up means growing apart from old habits, relationships, and situations, and finding something new that truly moves you – something that gets you so excited you can’t wait to get out of bed in the morning. That’s what life is all about. Don’t settle.

Jim Rohn puts it more clearly when he said, “It takes pride to build your ambitions. It takes pride in your community.” It takes pride in a cause, in accomplishment. But the key to becoming a good leader is to be proud without being arrogant. Do you know the worst kind of arrogance? Arrogance from ignorance. It’s intolerable. If someone is smart and arrogant, we can tolerate that. But if someone is ignorant and arrogant, that’s just too much to take.

One of the major reasons people are not doing well is because they keep trying to get through the day. A more worthy challenge is to try to get from the day.

We must become sensitive enough to observe and ponder what is happening around us. Be alert. Be awake. Let life and all of its subtle messages touch us. Often the most extraordinary opportunities are hidden among the seemingly insignificant events of life. If we do not pay attention to these events, we can easily miss the opportunities.

 Rohn: How Do You Attract Opportunity Into Your Life?

We must become good observers and astute evaluators of all that is going on around us. All events affect us, and what affects us leaves an imprint on what we will one day be and how we will one day live. Our philosophy about activity and our attitude about hard work will affect the quality of our lives.

Every time we choose to do less than we could, this error in judgment has an effect on our self-confidence. Repeated every day, we soon find ourselves not only doing less than we should, but also being less than we could. The accumulative effect of this error in judgment can be devastating. Fortunately, it’s easy to reverse the process.

Today we can develop a new discipline of observing rather than ignoring, of doing rather than neglecting. Every time we choose action over ease or labor over rest, we develop an increasing level of self-worth, self-respect and self-confidence.

It is how we feel about ourselves that provides the greatest reward from any activity. It is not what we get that makes us valuable; it is what we become in the process of doing that brings value into our lives. It is activity that converts human dreams into human reality, and that conversion from idea into actuality gives us a personal value that can come from no other source.

So be a good observer of the world around you and enjoy the hard work you put into enterprising—then enjoy it to its fullest – (Excerpt from Jim Rohn article)

Not taking action on meaningful goals. – Instead of complaining about your circumstances, get busy creating new ones. You either suffer the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. Most of the time, the only difference between who you are and who you want to be, is what you do.  When it’s all said and done, be sure you haven’t said more than you’ve done. (from the “Goals and Success” chapter of our book)

Settling for less than you are capable of. – Remember, growth and change may be painful sometimes, but nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.

Collecting more excuses than you can count. – If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

After a long trip, I decided to relax and get back to work. While grading papers, I read this interesting story that resonates with me. The author started by saying, “Let me share a quick story and some important life lessons with you…

According to the author, “This morning, like he has every morning for the last decade, my 86-year-old grandfather picked a fresh wild flower on his morning walk and took it to my grandmother. This morning I decided to go with him to see her. And as he placed the flower on her gravestone, he looked at me and said, “I just wish I had picked her a fresh flower every morning when she was alive. She would have loved that.”

As you can imagine, his words touched a nerve in me. I almost immediately started thinking about everything and everyone I care about, and what I don’t want to regret down the road. It almost felt like every aspect of my life was flashing before my eyes. And as soon as I got home, I started jotting down some key things that had come to mind. When I was done, I read the list to Marc. He nodded his head all the way through to the end, and then said, “I couldn’t agree more. I don’t think anyone wants to regret any of those things when they’re older.” Perhaps you will also agree…

Spending too little time with the right people. – Sooner or later, you just want to be around the people who make you smile. So today, spend time with those who help you love yourself more. And remember, the people you take for granted today may be the only ones you need tomorrow. Never be too busy to make time for those who matter most.